Musings.
“…what if I land on my feet?”
I was going to write this at least four weeks ago, but fear wouldn’t let me. Or was it guilt? Self doubt? I’m not sure, but something stopped me.
Someone asked me how I was doing yesterday, “really, how are you?”. Genuinely, my answer was “Fine. I feel amazing”. This has been my feeling for at least 6 weeks now. I catch myself smiling at my immediate environment, I sing, I’m hopeful even, looking forward to the future and all my weird little plans. It’s strange but I’m getting used to it and it’s scary af because it’s been so long. I thought about writing about this much earlier because I thought how unfair it was of myself to document my darkest moments more than my happier ones. But I was frightened, I realized I really didn’t have beautiful words to describe how I’ve felt. I was also frightened when I thought about how long or how short lived this moment would be, it made me anxious. But my anxiety never lingered. It’s so strange, I tell you. It’s as if I’m living in a different compartment in my brain, everything is so beautiful and brilliant. I wake up happy on most mornings, I still struggle to get out of bed but I definitely wake up happy. “I’m glad you’re doing better, keep getting help, you need it now more than ever.” That’s what they said to me in response to my reply. I understood, I understand.
Where I’m at now, it’s like being so high up in the sky you can literally touch the stars. But I’m still floating. Every now and then I hear a voice in my head ‘reminding’ me that this is temporary and I will crash and crash hard. Today, I asked that voice “and so what?” What if I crash? What if I don’t? What if I land gracefully on my feet with my pocket and hands full of little stars? What if this is it? What if I’ve been through the worst? What if this is my new reality? So many questions and I know only time will tell, but till then I don’t want to live in fear anymore, I remain hopeful, embracing all the emotions that come with this lucid moment — the good, the bad and the ugly.
I’m teaching myself to learn the words I need to describe this new reality, because I want this to last, I know that it will and I’m ready. I’m so thankful to everyone who’s seen me at my worst and still thought I was the most precious thing and never treated me less, this one is for you. Knowing that I have you — no matter how alone my brain makes me think I am and no matter how lonely I feel — it gives me strength. Thank you for reminding me of my worth and never letting me lose sight of what’s important. I feel great and I’m doing amazing.